BBW

After that I was much less optimistic. At first I was determined to learn to stand on my own two feet. Having spent over a decade either married or in a serious relationship, I no longer knew how to be alone. In fact, I probably never knew. So I was going to learn. And that was my main focus. Gradually, I realized I had that part under control and the problem became that I no longer blindly believed there was someone out there for me. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure that I would ever find someone else to love. I was no longer confident that I wouldn’t die alone. I was no longer sure.

Divorced Singles

I could have fallen in love with him. Sometime in the middle of the day on Saturday, I knew that was true. I pushed it off into a pile of things I couldn’t deal with right away, but it was there. Right on the top. An undeniable fact. I could have fallen in love with him. He was a great kisser. He could cook too. My friends ended up meeting him and loved him. Everyone voted yes. He’s a keeper. He is great for me. I knew all the reasons why I shouldn’t listen. But all those reasons, they’ve gotten me nowhere in life. I’m ready for changes on a huge scale. Ready for risks. Ready for happiness. I could have fallen in love with him. I was already three quarters of the way there. It was terrifying and beautiful. Are there things wrong with both of us? For sure. Lots even. I am tired and bitter. He is dark. We are both a little broken. But somehow that doesn’t mean we can’t both find happiness, right? I could have fallen in love with him. But the truth is, now I’ll never have the chance. This One Date Wonder asked him to believe and he said no. So there is no nickname. There are no plans. There will be no future entries. He left early today and he won’t come back. And in the middle of that moment, the best I could do was to tell him not to leave anything behind. You see, I can’t afford to find his shirt or his sock or his toothbrush and have that particular breakdown. In fact, in a few hours when I stop weeping, I will have to change the sheets so I can’t smell him when I’m curling up alone, again. And again. And again. I could have fallen in love with him. But instead I have another reason never to hope again. Another reason not to believe. Another life I’ll never have. Just another dead end and another chink in the armor I’ve never worn. There is another brick in my wall that no one will get through. My life has become just a series of reasons to believe that it does not actually get better than this. And, as it turns out, it doesn’t matter if I believe or not. Life really is just that hopeless. That’s a lesson I really wish I hadn’t learned. So I could have fallen in love with him. But, as it turns out, I won’t.

Emo Men

Experience has not served me well on that. Instead I am learning not to hope and not to believe. And while that may save me from short term heartbreak, sometimes I wonder at the long term implications of such a belief system. Once or twice I have even forced myself to abandon negativity, unfortunately only to be reminded of why I adopted those attitudes in the first place. And so I find myself in a somewhat jaded place and unsure of what to believe anymore. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve looked at love without conviction.

Smokers Personals

I know you love it when I’m all scatterbrained and I post anyway. I just know you do. So, just to oblige you, here is this: I adore the smell of fresh clean boy with manly soap. Seriously. Whatever they put in men’s soap and deodorant is like crack to me. Mr. Big is now talking about leaving his soap in my apartment for just this reason. Secretly, I’m sure he will never do such a thing. Because that would mean something of his would live at my place. And he is especially phobic about stuff like that. I am still battling that f-ing cat litterbox smell. I’m starting to think it’s all in my head. My friends say my apartment doesn’t smell, and yet I smell it every time I walk in the door. What’s up with that? And please send help. I am tired. Today is a very weird day. By the end of it, I’m sure I won’t like it anymore. But right now, in just this second, I can find at least one thing to be grateful for. I could find more if I got another email. Although I feel I may never, and I will be back where I started. I don’t know how, but I still miss him. Maybe I always will. I am on the verge of making a new life. Teetering on the edge really. Just dipping my toe into the pool. Just one little breeze and I’m all in. Go on, I dare you…. push me. I’ve been looking for reasons to start over for months now. I am just starting to realize the only real reason is just for me. And I am ready in so many ways. All I need is a little help and I’m there. I will make this happen. I think.

Tattooed Single Girls

Since I’m not sure anymore, I’m wondering what all of you believe. Do you believe in soulmates? In love at first sight? In things being meant to be? Do you have conviction that there is someone out there for everyone? That we will find these people? Or have you given up? Are you unsure too? What do you believe?